QUALITIES OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

Tonight is the beginning of Rosh Hashanah, the lunar calendar New Year.  This period of the High Holy Days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are a time of reflection and introspection.

Relationships are a very important aspect of our lives.  They come in the form of friendships, working relationships, romantic, etc.  This has obviously been something on my mind and I thought I’d share it with you.  At the same time I look forward to your comments as well.  I am always willing to learn as I feel that is the basis of life and growing.

WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH RELATIONSHIPS? 

I feel that they should be easy.  That if you love each other – you do for each other.  I don’t expect it to be equal.  One will do more on one end and other on another.  So therefore, an equality derives somehow.  Aren’t you supposed to be partners?

Yes, I know any relationship will have it’s ups and downs and that there will be work involved.  Any worthwhile relationship will involve some effort at one point or another.  This is life!  What doesn’t have it’s ups and downs?

IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WORK OR EFFORT?

Work

There is a common myth that good relationships are hard work.

The first definition of work that I came across states, “exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something; labor, toil.”  After reading this definition I have a problem using the word ‘work’ and relationship together.

You work to make money. You work to have a nice yard.

What kind of work should a relationship require?

Commitment? That is not work, that comes naturally with the right partner. Pleasing the partner? Again, if it is work, perhaps your partner is too demanding. Little things should not have ‘work’ attached to them.

My theory is that with the right partner, you should not have any work. You both enjoy each other’s company.

Effort

Now ‘effort’ is another story.  Everything, technically, requires effort – sitting upright, reading this, breathing.  These use all kinds of small efforts.

Life takes effort in every aspect. Whether you feel it should be a burden or a pleasure is up to you. Effort can be pleasurable.

Sometimes it can be the greatest pleasure possible to be allowed to make an effort for the sake of someone you love. Being asked to give more than you want to give or to make more effort than you want to make is not much fun and I don’t think it’s a necessary element in a relationship at all. I would not want to feel like that, nor would I want my partner to feel like that,

Anything worth having, is something worth making an effort towards. 

You get what you put into it – if both try and put the effort in, it will bring you closer together because it’s mutual.  You’re working together towards a goal to make each other happy.  Granted, no one can make us happy, but ourselves.

Put in nothing, and that’s exactly what they will get out – nothing.
Sorry but I’m of the opinion that the more compatible you are in interests and values and compliment each other’s strengths & weaknesses the less effort a relationship takes.

Yes, there should be some work involved. You can’t get good at something unless you work at it. But, there’s work that you do which you enjoy doing, and there’s work you do which you don’t enjoy.

If you have to work at it too much, you’re probably not enjoying it very much.  The more effort you put into just getting along with the other person, the less worthwhile it undoubtedly will be and the less enjoyment you will get out of it.

So, are good relationships hard?  Well, they shouldn’t be!

COMMON ELEMENTS NECESSARY FOR A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

A healthy relationship leads to a much happier life. It gives us the feeling of knowing that no matter what we go through as individuals, we will never have to face it alone. Healthy relationships provide a more positive outlook on life. Healthy relationships don’t just happen on their own – it takes both people to cooperate.

Here are what I feel are some elements of a healthy relationship:

Communication

Communication involves several aspects.  Not only is it important to express your feelings to your partner, but it is just as important to LISTEN to your partner and hear their feelings as well.  Remember, it takes two and many times there will be different viewpoints.

If you don’t wish to express it verbally, then send an email or text.  if you sense something is amiss with your partner or family member, initiate communication by asking if anything is ‘wrong.’ If they say ‘no,’ don’t press the issue. You left the lines of communication open for them to come to you when they are ready.

If you or your part­ner are not com­mu­ni­cat­ing there’s some ques­tions to ask.  For starters why is there a break­down in com­mu­ni­ca­tion?  Sure, any num­ber of rea­sons could exist.  The bot­tom line is if there is no com­mu­ni­ca­tion there will be no relationship.

Sometimes we hold our tongues for fear of upsetting the other party.  While this might make things easier in the short term, in the long run it gradually erodes the foundation of the relationship. Little issues grow into bigger and bigger problems.  Ultimately, keeping quiet reflects a lack of trust — and that’s the death of a relationship.

We need to learn how to communicate love in a way that our partner not only hears it, but feels it as well.

Trust

Trust means putting confidence in someone other than you. Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship regardless of whether it’s your friend, family member or partner. To have a healthy relationship, you need to trust in your own abilities to make sound decisions, as well as be confident in the other party’s loyalty to you. When that trust has been betrayed, a crack occurs in that foundation and both parties need to work together to repair that which has been broken.

Trust deepens over time. Couples who are able to trust each other don’t have to deal with insecurities between each other. They’re able to speak freely and be themselves, knowing that their partner loves them for it.

Respect

You have to respect each other and the different viewpoints that we all possess.  Would you really want someone the same as you?  With common respect your partner may feel more comfortable to express their innermost feelings to you.

Our tendency to disregard the feelings, concern and sense of importance of others tends to erode the relationship with them.

Respect is an acknowledgement we extend to another. We always have to take into account the feelings of others as we interact with them. A sound relationship will always require respect for each other.

Give respect, and you will be respected in return.

With respect also comes common courtesy.

Honesty

Honesty is one of the most basic of all elements to any healthy relationship. A deep and loving honesty between two people says, “No matter what happens, you will always know the true me.” This feeling allows couples to open up and be the best they can be with each other

Honesty is telling “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”  Completely!!  Unfortunately, we’re taught to make lying a part of our lives.  I’m not talking about the big lies, but more about the consistent, persistent “lies of omission” and “white lies” we tell people almost everyday.  This is not healthy in a loving relationship

Self-esteem

Loving yourself is one of the most significant of all the elements of a healthy relationship. If you are not happy with who you are, how can you expect someone else to be happy with you. Learn to love yourself and let go of insecurities and trust issues. Be confident in yourself. Love yourself and give your partner those same reasons to love you back.

CHOICES

There’s no right or wrong in a relationship as you are separate entities.  Whatever you have together, you still need to remain true to your self.  When you take a look at it, there are three entities here – you, me and us.

There will be ups and downs and in-betweens. But as long as you come together in the end, all is well. A little shower or thunderstorm here and there shouldn’t ruin the sunshine that comes out after.  For your partner should be your “ray of sunshine!”

When it is right, there is not a lot of fighting and arguing. You shouldn’t have to ‘work’ too hard to be happy together! Some problems are normal, but not constant ones!

Above all remember that it comes down to choices.  Everything you do in life comes down to the choice that you make at that time.  Don’t try to change someone.  You have no right to try to do so!  The only thing that you can change are you, your choices and how you wish to act or react.

Wishing you a Happy, Healthy Relationship and much love!!

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